The world feels like it’s spinning in a chaotic dance of war, political drama, and a nasty brew of doubt and dread. We’re quick to cancel, fire, silence, and shame anyone with a different viewpoint.
In the past, the workplace was safeguarded by an unspoken agreement to avoid discussing certain topics: politics, religion, and sex. However, in today’s world, largely influenced by social media, people’s beliefs are now more visible than ever. Unfortunately, our skills in handling these sensitive subjects are often lacking.
A recent study revealed that 85% of employees experience regular conflict in the workplace, resulting in a loss of 2.8 hours each week and costing employers an astonishing $359 billion annually. As societal polarization seeps into our work environments, it’s no surprise that conflict is on the rise, further diminishing our capacity to collaborate effectively. For instance, 37% of employees have admitted to altering their perception of a coworker based on their political views. This polarization undermines trust, damages interpersonal relationships, and hampers performance.
When we can no longer treat each other with civility, we lose significantly. While agreement isn’t necessary, respecting differing viewpoints and discussing our disagreements is crucial for peaceful coexistence and collaboration in the workplace. As the world seems to divide into opposing factions, we might feel helpless, but we can initiate a change in dialogue at work.
Here are three actions that leaders in the workplace can take to refine your language, broaden your perspective, and ease tensions while navigating tough conversations at work:
1. Choose your words wisely.
Mom was right. Words matter. Some of the most basic components of speech, which we often overlook, have the ability to either escalate or soothe a situation.
Replace “but” with “and.”
Take the word “but,” for instance; it instantly negates everything that precedes it. It turns contrast into conflict, triggering a strong impulse to defend one perspective over another. Although it appears harmless, “but” acts as a combative term, often used without the intention of sparking a disagreement.
Consider using “and” instead. The word “and” connects two ideas, encouraging us to contemplate both simultaneously. It also mirrors reality: in most instances, multiple truths coexist. A familiar example can be found in performance feedback. We are so accustomed to negativity that we anticipate the “but.” Rather than saying, “your performance has been excellent, but you need to improve your email responses,” try rephrasing it to, “your performance has been excellent, and it would be even better if you enhanced your response time to emails.” The first statement diminishes, while the second one uplifts.
Metaphors matter.
Additionally, the metaphors we choose matter. We frequently frame arguments in terms of warfare (a battle to win or lose), resulting in combative language. What if we viewed an argument as a dance instead? This shift transforms our words into a choreographed effort to achieve a common goal, creating a different kind of success. Instead of stepping on each other’s ideas, we would be mindful of each other’s boundaries.
Overused metaphors can lead to complacency, guiding us to places we never intended to go. By mastering our choice of words and the metaphors that accompany them, we can foster more sincere conversations and reduce harmful disagreements. It will make navigating tough conversations at work so much easier!
2. Don’t fall prey to false dichotomies.
Our way of speaking originates from our thought processes, which are shaped by our education, culture, religion, and generations of stories. While we might not reach a consensus on what constitutes good or evil, the ongoing struggle between these concepts is recognized by anthropologists as a “human universal,” deeply ingrained in our collective DNA. This binary mindset—right versus wrong, win versus lose—encourages us to tackle challenges with a simplistic “either-or” approach.
Try “both-and” thinking.
The situation is worsening, as social media often presents everything in black and white. There’s little room for nuance in a quick 10-second video. It’s no surprise that we find ourselves increasingly drawn to this simplistic environment, as the real world is far more complex, filled with nuanced problems, competing tensions, and contradictions at every turn. Most issues are rarely straightforward. Behind nearly every dilemma lies a set of paradoxical or interdependent paths that cannot be resolved with a single solution. These situations call for “both-and” thinking.
“Both-and” reframes challenges, encouraging you to view two positions in relation to one another rather than as opposing forces. It guides you away from choosing between two options and toward finding a solution that allows for their coexistence. For instance, consider the balancing act between high quality and low cost, a common challenge for many companies. “Either-or” thinking forces them into competition: one must triumph at the other’s expense. Conversely, “both-and” thinking urges you to dig deeper, seeking a well-designed operating system that supports both high quality and low cost by minimizing errors and enhancing reliability.
However, embracing “both-and” thinking can be challenging. Many of us currently feel exhausted and disillusioned. Our capacity to think critically and hold multiple conflicting ideas simultaneously is under pressure. The allure of “either-or” seems much simpler. Yet, simplistic solutions for complex problems are nearly always misguided. “Both-and” thinking compels us to confront uncomfortable truths, acknowledge our blind spots, and reevaluate how we perceive the world and address its challenges.
3. Talk less, listen more.
Just because you’ve thought of something, doesn’t mean you need to share it. (Check out Simon Sinek’s TED Talk on this.) This is something we all learn in childhood, but seem to struggle with more and more as we age.
There are moments, particularly during challenging times, when keeping your thoughts to yourself may be the wisest choice. You might lack sufficient information to present a well-reasoned argument, or you could be hesitant about how others will react if your perspective differs from theirs. The pressure to quickly engage, take a stance, or choose a side can lead to significant disagreements and errors.
Be curious.
Rather than engaging in conflict, consider shifting from debate to dialogue and from defending to learning. Pose questions to understand another person’s perspective and the experiences that shape their views. Listening to their responses can reveal whether their opinions are driven by emotion. Thoughtful questions encourage them to rephrase their positions, helping you understand them better. Feeling seen can reduce the defensiveness surrounding their viewpoint.
There’s always silence.
And when everything else fails, there’s always silence. Staying quiet can feel uncomfortable, as others might misread your lack of speech. However, words can also be easily misconstrued. Embracing silence grants you a rare chance to step back, observe, and reflect. By pausing your speech, you can clarify your thoughts, stabilize your emotions, and gather the resilience needed to navigate tough conversations. Skilled negotiators recognize that cultivating the ability to be silent helps slow down the urge to advocate and enhances their listening skills. The more we listen, the better we understand.
There is little chance we will ever fully agree on the divisive issues tearing our world apart. However, the well-being of our livelihoods, workplace health, and the preservation of our humanity hinges on our ability to engage constructively with differing opinions. We must learn to view uncomfortable conversations as opportunities for growth rather than personal attacks. To tackle our most challenging issues, we need to be open to understanding the experiences, desires, and needs of others. By actively seeking out perspectives we don’t yet understand, we may discover common ground we never thought possible.
If you’re struggling with navigating tough conversations at work, a coach can help!
Donna Schilder